The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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