Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
