i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
