OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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