Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
