Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
