it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
