my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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