Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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