I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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