had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
