She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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