Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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