She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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