census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
