"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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