He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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