You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize