dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
