You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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