i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
