At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
