he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
