Michael Bay diarrhea
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
