I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
