I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Randomize