halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
