i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
