when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She bit a glass in half.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
