Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
