Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize