The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
