Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
