Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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