I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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