the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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