One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
