HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
