I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
