I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
