Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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