don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
