Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You may now shotgun with the bride
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
