..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
