My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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