Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
