why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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