I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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