remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
