she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
