dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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