Cold hands, warm shart.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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