I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
