I puked a lego.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
